05 May, 2008
Unveiling suppressed memories.
00:57:11 | Ranting, Thoughts | 
Been thinking a lot recently.
And unfortunately, thinking too much isn’t good - because I find myself getting angry at things that happened many years ago.
People who know and fully understand me (I can only name a few whom I completely bare my true self to - Terra, Grace, Liz, Mithi and Steffe) would know very well that I am someone who is extremely protective of my personal identity and image, and fiercely proud of who I am.
Unfortunately, it also means that I may pick on any harmless remark as an insult to my character, as some people may have experienced first hand. Still trying to change this aspect, because I actually start to frighten everyone away.
However, there are some things that dwindle in my mind far too often.
If you must know, yes - I bear grudges. I can hold a grudge against a person for years and years, and it’ll be a long time before I can become truly close to that person all over again. I may still behave all chummy with that person, though I keep a distance from them emotionally.
I don’t bear grudges over small little nitty gritty things.
Which means that if it so happens that any unpleasant encounter stays in my memory to an extent that it can be replayed so vividly - with the propensity of igniting anger in me all over again, it means that the person involved has gone too far.
I shall not name all of these encounters, although I may relate a couple most distinct ones.
The idiot who lectured me on my choice of course sometime in mid 2005. Someone who barely knows me and still dares to question my choice of future career, insinuating that I am not fulfilling my duty of caring for my parents in the future just because I am choosing a future based on my own happiness rather than one that makes the most money. The idiot who insisted that everyone should be going into medicine just because doctors make the most money, and that IT is just a rubbish course that will soon be going down the drain because the IT industry is dying and blah dee blah.
The entire paragraph above, ladies and gentlemen - came out in less than one minute, which explains the extent of my fury.
That idiot has known me for barely half an hour, and already he is flinging insults like nobody’s business. The best part - he wishes to debate on the future of the IT industry? Sure, I am willing to take him on. However, I don’t see how a one-sided speech can be considered a debate. Each time I tried to get a word in, he’d simply cut me off and accuse me for not listening to whatever logic he’s trying to drill in my head. Like seriously, what the fuck?
Materialistic, money-minded bastard.
I’ll have you know that having more interest and fulfillment in the path I choose to take, to me, means that all the more I’ll be willing to do my job well, which drives my determination to fight my way to the top. In fact, I am so happy with my life (and my achievements thus far) in my choice of course right now, that I’m very tempted to hunt that person down just to go “PAH!” in his face.
The second one was when a friend accused me of being caught in my own little world and went all condescending on me, putting herself in a higher position just because she’s taken on wayyyy too many part-time jobs and deems herself as having ’seen reality’.
This friend still happens to be rather close to me, although like what I’ve mentioned above - an example of someone whom I’m still chummy with, but keep a distance from when it comes to the emotional aspect.
I cannot emphasize this enough - I grow up at my own pace.
I have seen some things, although I haven’t quite gotten the full picture back then - yes I admit that. However, having worked or suffered more does not justify that person deeming herself better than anyone else. Neither does it give her the right to put anyone down as and how she wishes.
Insults and harsh words were hurled during that exchange in City Hall/City Link mall in early August 2005, which resulted in my sitting in a corner and practically bawling my eyes out, while she stood above me, arms crossed and looking as though she pwned the whole world.
If this sounds familiar to you, yes - I’m talking about you.
I was furious with that person back then. Although the anger has more or less faded now, I can’t bring myself to be as close to her as I used to many years ago. “Good friends tell the truth” so she says. However, her lack of tact and extreme arrogance back then (and sometimes even now) was a big fat turn-off.
I must admit that her words did help me grow substantially - however, the choice of delivery, the ‘Sir Stamford Raffles’ pose she chose to take on and that ‘holier than thou’ attitude just made her look really bad.
For the record, I never looked down on myself. Which more or less emphasizes the extent of her arrogance.
I really hate digging up shit from ‘Bad Memories’ heaven. But, oh well.
It’s just that my mind has been racing with them over the past few days or so. And unfortunately, I am not exactly a very vocal person when it comes to expressing anger (except towards my parents, who’ve bore the brunt of it ever since the day I was born), so I keep things bottled inside for way too long for my own good.
Plus, one last point is that I really hate it when people tell me that I “should do this” or I “should do that”.
I do what I please, so there. And I am very much capable of making my own decisions.
And what’s worse is when I start to look really pissed with what certain people say, but certain people are just too dense to realize it and continue with whatever they were saying that pissed me off.
I mean, I know how to read faces and I know very well when someone’s getting annoyed - which is when I stop immediately. Basic EQ! HELLO?!? If I am very sensitive to people’s feelings and spare issues I know will hurt the person or whatsoever when conversing with them, I expect some kind of reciprocation, no?
Now, I know what they mean when people tell me I’m too nice. (Yes, I’m nice - but I can be really shrewd too.)
Perhaps it’s time for me to start being nasty.
Thoughts are still racing, and they are showing no sign of going away. Thou shall now do something enjoyable and worthwhile to drive those thoughts away. (YES - At past-midnight. I’m nocturnal, remember?) ;)
And if this post offends anyone, I apologize. If you want to talk it out with me, I am more than willing to do so. Civilly, may I add. But get all almighty on me and I’ll shut you out totally, ya’ clear?
C O M M E N T S (3)
tell me, which doc earns more than bill gates? if IT industry is dying, dat idiot better not use any cellphones or comp/notebook. if not he’ll be slapping his own face!
he better head back to the stone age or ice age then!
forgot to add this.
even the docs in the hospital now depend on IT to keep all the patients’ info so as to minimize the amount of manual work and enhance the efficiency of the hospital/clinics. really can’t imagine which idiots can still belittle the world of IT now. -.-
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I meet way too many cab drivers like that. Funny enough, they all tend to be them old, decrepit shits. Younger cab drivers seem to be better at the “listening and not cutting people off” department. With annoying people like that, I usually tell them that the only old people I do like are my own grandparents and no one else, and thus no one else’s opinion matters but theirs. It’s not exactly true, but damn, it shuts them up.
With younger people, I just stare at their mouth move, and do so rather rudely so they’ll get self-conscious. Then say, “Your lips are moving, and a nearby cat keeled over, so I assume that you’re loud. But you’re not really saying anything.”
But really, I’m a pleasant person.
In short, these assholes will always exist in our lives. As for the one with the stunted emotional quotient? That’ll eventually go back and bite them in the ass; those people don’t go far. They may have claimed to shovel dirt, but with that type of bitterness, that may be the only thing they’ll ever end up doing.