Okay, okay. I’m listening. Happy now?
(Comments disabled because this is going to be another emo-ish, introspective post which I know nobody will bother reading anyway. Purely written for myself, but if you have anything to say - feel free to email.)
Three days ago, I bumped into a fellow school mate J who, after having seen my Twitter updates regarding my condition and expressed concern, also confessed that he too, was in a similar boat.
We ended up standing in the middle of the school concourse, yakking nineteen to dozen about our symptoms, the many doctors we’ve seen, and the tests we’ve gone through, even to the extent of comparing our diagnoses.
What was strange is that we were never close before. It’s nice to know that I have an ally in this, someone whom I can actually speak to who understands completely without me having to explain every single medical term or whatsoever - although of course, it is not good that someone else is sick too.
Apparently, J started off having the same symptoms as me, and even the same diagnosis initially. Unfortunately, in his case - it escalated into something worse.
It made me worried sick. (Both for him, as well as myself - because I cannot rule out the possibility that things might deteriorate for me too, right? But touch wood, of course.)
And here I was, thinking that this whole thing is something minor. I mean, people get giddy spells every now and then - how bad can it get? Plus, I look well most of the time, such that at first glance, it is hard to tell that there is even anything wrong with me.
It was only when friends started jamming the fact into my head that normal people do not get intermittent symptoms for three months, which was when I finally got off my lazy arse to see the doctor for the first time at the beginning of July.
What drove the point home was when my mum confessed that she worries all night that I may not wake up the next morning.
My initial reaction was … “?!?!?”
Then, I eventually realized that my nonchalance is scaring the pants out of everyone.
Mum has been nagging for the past few months that my priorities are all wrong - that I should be putting my health on top of other things, which is a big mismatch with what I am actually doing - putting my work first, being fully immersed in my studies, school and coding for FYP. Yes, I may be actually enjoying my work, but it’s taking its toll on me, she says.
Of course, I’d love to take some time off my work, but I have responsibilities to uphold - so it’s not easy for me to suddenly drop everything and skive for … a week or something.
At least I’m sitting up and taking notice now, which is a good start, I suppose. Sometimes, it takes people around to make you wake up and realize that things aren’t as peachy as it seems. (All this while, I was in cloud cuckoo land, whining about my symptoms, but thinking at the same time that it’d go away on its own.)
And I promise that if things do not improve further, I’d get up and see the cardiologist again on my own accord - without my mum having to continuously prod my backside with a stick.
I don’t know whether I am overreacting or whether the people around me are overreacting because even my cardiologist seems pretty nonchalant (or maybe he’s jaded already since he has seen worse cases).
Oh, and regarding exercise - J warned me to really take it sloooooooow because I may end up escalating matters if I’m not careful.
Towards the end of our conversation, J asked me - ” So how are you feeling about it?”
I think I must have shot him a pretty puzzled expression because he suddenly stopped to re-clarify his question - “How are you taking all this?”
To be frank, I haven’t really thought about it. (Maybe because I’ve been in cloud cuckoo land all this while, and honestly - I still think that it’s nothing too serious that warrants me worrying about it 24/7, so I try not to think too much about it.)
Even now, I don’t feel … anything different. Perhaps it’s because I’m coming down with various chronic ailments over the past three years that made me jaded and immune to all these already - development of chronic urticaria and asthma in 2005, followed by more and more allergies between 2005 - early 2007, and some weird immune system thingy nearing the end of last year. So, adding on a persistent sinus tachycardia to that list doesn’t seem to make a difference to me.
I’ve no time to sit around and emo anyway.
I’ve a life to live.
And work to do.
Err … oops. Did that just slip out?