Can’t hold it in any longer.
Ease myself back into activity, you say? It’s not like I’m reluctant. I’m missing the young, active (or hyperactive, rather) person I used to be, jumping at the chance to go on long walks, explore new places, cycle long distances or whatsoever.
Until everything had to come to a standstill (for four months and counting) because of this stupid condition called Atrial Tachycardia.
Cardiologist’s advice, combined with my own research - slowly easing myself back to activity will help keep my symptoms at bay, especially in the rebuilding of my tolerance levels. (Tolerance levels meaning how long I can walk without getting dizzy of faintish - which at the moment, is still stuck at ten fucking minutes.)
I didn’t expect it to be this tough.
Right at the beginning, things were as such - walk for ten minutes, feel faint, take a short break, continue walking, feel faint again, take a short break again. (And the same thing iterates over and over.)
Then it went up to fifteen minutes, then twenty, then thirty. (Taking it slow, over a period of a couple of weeks, of course.)
Not bad, I’m making progress, methinks.
And suddenly, everything relapses the next day. Can’t walk without feeling my heart racing as if it’s trying to escape my chest, and it happens even when I’m sitting down.
Okay, fine.
It’s normal that we experience setbacks especially at the beginning, aye? So, I waited for the relapse to pass before I started all over again.
Ten minutes … fifteen minutes … twenty minutes … half an hour …
And everything relapses again. Swallow pride, start again.
Ten minutes … fifteen minutes … twenty minutes …
RE-FUCKING-LAPSE. (This was as of last Saturday, which has lasted until now without any sign of cessation.)
Now, comprehend why I am still stuck at ten minutes?!?
Mum has been really patient, taking me on occasional walks at the nearby East Cost beach as part of my ‘physiotherapy’. Friends worry excessively when I’m with them, as if thinking I’m going to drop to the ground any moment since I have a tendency to keep silent (I’d feel bad ruining the outing!) when I encounter symptoms.
Plus, I think I really gave Grace a fright when I nearly keeled over after standing up from a stooping position when I went out with her last month.
And recently, people have something new to cope with - my occasional bouts of crankiness, and a tendency to get particularly emotional at night.
I’m sick and tired of being a burden to everyone. Medical bills are piling up. (And we’ve been claiming so much from insurance over and over again to an extent that I now fear they’d sooner blacklist me.) Plus, I’d really love to devote all my energy back to school instead of struggling to get well - at the moment, everything else I’m doing is halfhearted.
It’s taking a toll on my mood, my schoolwork … basically, everything.
I just want to get well.
Can or not?
(Even though I’ve explicitly promised not to write about my ongoing health conditions here but somewhere else more secluded, this is one of the rarer occasions whereby I really feel as if I need a listening ear. So, please bear with me.)
Ugh, that has to be so frustrating and enraging. *hug*
I hope that your body can get itself in gear and that you can start getting better. I’m sending positive vibes your way.