Little-Wonder.Net

09 December, 2003

Questioning the purpose of life

23:04:42 | Thoughts | writebacks (11)

Why do I feel as though there is a sudden lack of things for me to do? Throughout the entire day, all I have done was to waste countless hours stoning in front of the computer. No action, no constructivity, simply a complete waste of time. There is only 24 days of the holidays left, so why can’t I spend it wisely? Like what Bing told me on MSN, this December holidays should be well utilised because it is extremely hard to come across so much time when I head towards JC2 next year. Dang… Suddenly, I wish that I got retained.

To tell you the honest truth, I am not looking forward to Year 2. Going up to Year 2 would only mean that there is only one fate in store for me at the end of 2004 — The Dreaded A’Levels. It is ironic how time flies. During this time last year, I was completely bubbling with euphoria at the end of the O’Levels and feeling an immense sense of freedom. But suddenly, I find myself back in the clutches of MOE and the dreaded education system.

Exams… exams… exams… Everything here is just too result oriented to an extent that there is no more meaning in studying. Pull out any student on the road and pose them this question.

“Why on earth do you study so hard for?”

Chances are, their one and only response would be “So that I can do well in my examinations and get into a good university.” What has happened to acquiring skills for the future? Isn’t that the whole purpose of studying in the first place? To learn how to support ourselves and to gain an awareness of the world around us? Sadly, this is no longer the case. These days, you’ll need that dratty piece of paper just to be someone in this world. Everyone’s world revolves around the GCE Exams, Diplomas and Degrees and there is immense competition wherever we go. What is the point of living?

Sometimes, the urge to pull out of this complex, paradoxical education system is extremely overwhelming. I need to find myself, and discover what I really want, and not follow what other people wants from me. For instance, why did I go to Junior College in the first place? To appease my parents. I could have easily stepped into Polytechnic and enrolled in a preliminary course in Psychology for further studies at the University in the future. But I didn’t. Why? Because I was given a flat out “No” to this educational path.

These days, we no longer have a say as to what we really want. Our future is pre-decided for us by our parents, or by anyone who controls our worlds. We no longer live for ourselves, but for others.

27 November, 2003

This is horribly wrong…

13:19:05 | Thoughts | writebacks (12)

I had been reading through all the past archives of this webjournal and I have discovered something about my style of writing, and that is my journal seems too much like a narrative essay. Almost every single thing is simply relating the events for that particular day and it speaks nothing about my emotions or how I am as a person. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing. Perhaps I am boring almost everyone around here to tears without realising it, considering that it took me such a long time to realise that my style of journal writing is completely wrong.

But according to the dictionary, a journal is defined as “a daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations”, so probably my way of writing my everyday routines may be correct to a certain extent. But somehow, it still seems a little strange to me. Browsing through all my friends weblogs and online journals and viewing their style of writing truly makes mine fade into the background. For them, the self expression is there, and their respective personalities are truly shining through the way they write. Mine portrays nothing, expect to display a whole chunk of words which has no meaning to anyone at all.

Probably one reason for this style is the fear of expressing myself too much at an area which is accessible by all. The fear of bumping into people who have a different point of view as me, as there are chances of them criticising you as a person. I have noticed a phenomenon which happens to quite a substantial number of webloggers, and this is that what they usually write on their online journals are often used against them. Or maybe people merely judge them simply by what they write on their weblogs/journals when they do not even know this person well. I admit that I have a huge paranoia about this happening to me, so that may be the reason why my journal simply describes unusual happenings of each day as the definition suggests.

This is also the reason why I keep a private journal. I need a place where I can vent, complain and scream into without having any fear of any backstabbing or additional criticism. After all, everyone needs their own private space as well…

Now, I need you to help me make a decision, especially my treasured daily readers of my beloved webjournal. Probably all those gibberish which I had just sprouted above may be my personal opinions on myself, so that is why I need you to have your say as well. Firstly, I’d like to know whether is there any problem with my style of writing? Also, is there a lack of self expression in this so-called webjournal of mine?

Your replies to this would really help me to a great extent. Thanks for your time :)

26 October, 2003

The gift of friendship.

21:24:49 | Thoughts | writebacks (10)

I always knew that I had a major character problem, but until now I had done nothing to deal with this. I have a tendency to be a loner, and would get really irritable when people are around. Entering Junior college had changed me a wee bit, but some bits and pieces of my old character remains. My character problem is at its peak especially when examinations are around, making me feel irritable and I would snap at anyone, anywhere. This is the reaon why the number of friends I have decreased drastically within the past 3 months. Even my usual group of friends in Junior College are starting to avoid me…

Another thing which I have to come to terms with is the fact that I am bossy, literally. No matter how much I try to mind what I say, it just happens. However, it would already be too late when I realise what I have done by the irritated looks that my friends are shooting at me. People tell me that I am too uptight, because I think too much about my own problems to an extent that I have a tendency to complain. I absolutely agree. This is so because I have noticed that 3/4 of the things which I say is always pessimistic and negative and I would just kao beh about the slightest things. My mother also mentions that I am too sensitive, making me take other people’s words the wrong way easily, causing others to be wary of what they say especially around me.

Why am I like that? As what many people say, the only way to change your problems and character is to come to terms with it and admit it, which I already do. Now the new problem is to start changing my character. I’ve got to start socialising more and look more on the positive side. Speak about uplifting and happy matters more often, spend more time getting to know my friends better. This will, hopefully, bring my social life back to normal.

But one barrier which I would have to handle is the fact that my friends and I do not share the same interest, and I usually find myself lost in their frequent discussions about their interests. Thus, I am often at a loss of ideas on what to say and I have to desperately rack my brains for a topic to create a conversation with…

No, this is not a psychological handicap. A handicap is only a handicap if you look at it from a negative point of view. Things such as this can be changed, and it is high time I do something about this particular problem. I have to win back my friends’ full friendship and trust, as well as to remove the tension that I am always experiencing everything I am around them.

Luckily, I have good friends like Jenny who continues to stick with me during the stressful exam period when I am at my most irritable. She was always there to help me, console me when I am down, and this is something which I am thankful for. Another good friend is Erica, whom I have yet to hear from my teachers regarding her appeal, and I hope she’ll be able to remain with me in Tampines JC.