Little-Wonder.Net

06 February, 2007

I’m a quitter.

20:08:34 | Thoughts | writebacks (11)

I was actually intending to take part in the Annual Production Concert for MIC next month, and attended a rehearsal yesterday to check out the required standards since I was pretty keen.

After all, I enjoy the feeling of actually performing, and taking part in an actual concert has always been at the top of my to-do lists.

However, after yesterday’s experience amongst other things, I’ve decided to opt out of this whole thing altogether.

Somehow, I get different reactions when I am actually singing at my vocal training class and when I am actually attempting to audition for a concert. There is just such a huge gap between the level of competency in both situations, as well as my own feelings towards both experiences.

I leave almost every single vocal training feeling encouraged, knowing that I am improving in terms of vocal standards.

Au contraire, I was very, very daunted when I was singing in front of P yesterday evening during the audition/rehearsal. I had given it my best shot. But yet, the expression on his face simply told me that my singing still sucks.

I don’t blame him.

After all, he was there when I did my disastrous performance a couple of months back, and so he already has some idea of my standard. Thus, it comes naturally for him to simply dismiss me as someone who can’t sing well.

I’ve attempted several other songs in order to try to prove my vocal ability, only to be met with the same expressionless gaze. That was when I decided that the Annual Production Concert wasn’t for me, and that I should quit while I was ahead.

After all, my vocal ability is still pretty much non-existent, and by taking part in something as big as this, I would ruin the experience for everyone else. Plus, doing so is tantamount to taking a big step that is far, far beyond my reach.

I will not be able to manage. I just know it.

Just look at what happened last year.

I thought further into the issue upon reaching home from the rehearsal, attempted even more songs in an attempt to convince myself that I can do this. By now, it is quite obvious that my attempts at convincing myself has failed.

I am usually not a quitter. However, I’ve pretty much realized that singing is not for me, and that it should be left to the professionals.

I will still continue on with my vocal classes. After all, I’ve already paid the full fee, and I do enjoy the experience.

However, it will be no more singing for me after that.

It is high time for me to move on to other things.

30 January, 2007

A new perspective.

23:10:44 | Thoughts | writebacks (11)

It’s been one and a half years since I first step foot into SMU, and many things have indeed, changed.

Back then, I was this wee, apprehensive little girl, fresh from Junior College, entering a completely new environment with hardly any of my friends around. Most have decided to go to the other local universities and abandoned me, and so I was literally on my own.

Building friendships from scratch was the toughest part. I’ve always been someone who was highly cautious when approaching people, mainly because I am not exactly a very extroverted person.

My background in friendship-building hadn’t been smooth-flowing either. I had been this irritating girl who everyone avoided back in primary school. I chose to withdraw myself and keep a low profile from my corner of the classroom in secondary school.

Junior College was slightly different, as I tried to open up a bit more to the people around - although I still had my difficulties every now and then.

Naturally, I was worried when university life rolled around.

My life in university got off to a bumpy start. I had this reputation of being the girl who tried too hard to speak up during lectures, and ends up sprouting complete nonsense instead. Three months into university was when I got hit pretty hard by a sign from the sky telling me that, “Hey, you ought to shut up. You’re annoying everyone in the class.”

So, I clamed up.

Building a circle of friends in a new environment was indeed challenging for someone who was still trying to break out of her shell. Furthermore, I lacked confidence back then (after having gone through too many setbacks back in Junior College) which made things worst. I didn’t know how people would react when I approached them and so, I mostly kept to myself.

It was not that I had people-issues. I just decided to close myself up, that’s all.

Thankfully, my course is full of people who would initiate friendships, and soon I found myself being drawn in.

Having these friends around had built up my self-confidence by a great deal. I no longer feel apprehensive when talking to people, worrying that they might judge me based on the impression I give.

Most of the people I’ve encountered here are a warm bunch who willingly accepted me for who I am, and I am highly grateful for that.

Now, these are the friends who make me laugh, who share their secrets with me (and likewise), who show concern for me, who listen to me whine (and likewise), who poke me awake when I fall asleep in class, who warn me when I do something I am not supposed to be doing. In short, the people who are just always there for me.

Elizabeth, Clara, Mithila, Ruth, Belle, Meizhen, Parlin, Kanaga, Loi (Argh, how could I have forgotten? And Aries too!) and anyone else who should be on this list but I may have left out in my state of semi consciousness - this entry is dedicated to you.

Thanks for making me who I am today - this loud, sometimes overly confident, hyperactive girl who squeaks and squeals into your ears, making them bleed. The girl who makes a fool of herself just to make you laugh but hey, I do brighten up your day, aye? ;)

Just kidding on that last statement. (Haha.)

As for now, I need to seek some yummy treats from the refrigerator, as my stomach is beginning to make very strange, growling noises.

08 October, 2006

If you’re happy and you know it.

23:17:11 | Thoughts | writebacks (4)

I don’t know why, but when I look upon my current lifestyle and who I am today, I suddenly realized that I am actually a really happy girl.

I have a tendency to laugh a lot and smile - based on what people have been telling me. Like everyone else, we do have our emo moments at times, but I simply treat them as little cracks on the road - my road.

After all, everything happens for a reason - and we do derive lessons and experience from everything we go through, don’t we?

Life is still pretty stressful - despite it being my one week long mid-term break, all due to the numerous project meetings I have to attend.

I have a mid-term paper coming up the day after tomorrow which I am not exactly very well-prepared for as of now.

I stepped on a pile of dog poo this afternoon, soiling my favourite pair of birks, and I still can’t seem to get the stench of poo out of them despite scrubbing them continuously.

Well, shit happens. (Pardon the pun.)

I have some friends who are troubled because they choose to focus on the negative aspects of their problems through rather than see the bright side of everything that happens - to an extent that they ramble on and on continuously to me, and getting me down in the process.

I still have a shitload of things to do during the holidays which seems to be a never ending list, making every human tremble at first thought of it.

But to heck with it all.

I am still happy.

Happy with where I am. Happy with the person I have evolved to, happy to be me.

As for now, let me revert back into mid-term revision mode. The open notes on my desk seem to be mocking me with a ‘why are you blogging when you’re supposed to be reading me?’ kind of look.