Letter to an ex-friend.
Copied and pasted from my other journal. (URL private.)
It was written in a haste after yours truly had typed this entry two days ago - the entry about how some people just can’t seem to accept me for who I am, or how I look.
I’ve gone on and on about that several times lately, and I know that it is tiring you out just as much as it is tiring me. But the events of a certain day just can’t escape from my mind and hence, it results in verbal diahorrea.
And the reason why I decided to publish it here as well is because I feel that I have portrayed my feelings very well in that entry and hence, it should be shared.
Please bear me with me.
This would be the last entry on this topic, I promise.
Letter To A Superficial Ex-Friend
Last year.
Wakeboard World Cup 2005 at Bedok Reservoir.
We met at the gate. You eyed my cargo pants and sneakers critically, gave me a look that deemed me an invalid, and said.
“Nobody wears jeans and sneakers to the reservoir!”
First things first, what I had on wasn’t an effing pair of jeans. Rather, one of my favourite cargo pants. Do you have eyes to look carefully or what?
I protested, because I had gone out in the afternoon and was in no mood to switch attire. Yet, you complained and complained endlessly en route to the reservoir, until I had to resort to running back home to change just to make you shut the fuck up.
I rearrived back at the gate. Dressed in a red wakeboard tee for the occasion and a pair of three quarts.
You wrinkled your nose and remarked that I looked like a boy.
“So, you want me to change again?” I demanded, and you shook your head.
So we walked towards the reservoir, and all that while, you continued to whine and complain about how I don’t know how to dress up properly when going to the reservoir that only people of the older generation wear pants or jeans there.
Thank you so fucking much for comparing me to an ah ma.
You have no idea how WONDERFUL that makes me feel, you insensitive tard.
We reached the reservoir, with you walking a short distance away from me, obviously embarassed to be seen there with a girl who looks tomboyish. You, grumbling even more, pointing out examples of older generation folks wearing pants and jeans, and remarking that I look like them.
Thank you for adding on to my already wonderful mood.
And you are supposed to be my friend, so I beared with it. Even though I was boiling inside.
Hell, as I look back on it, I should have just screamed at you right there and then, because you bloody well deserve it for being such a jackass.
You really went too far, far beyond my limits. I never like it when people speak of my appearance, because I dress for practicality - not to impress. Furthermore, my dressing is a reflection of my simplicity and conservative value system.
And yet you went beyond that, pouring even more insults on the top as toppings on a sundae.
Thank you for making me feel this small. But you know what? I was a mere girl with low confidence back then, and so my mood got easily shattered.
But now, things are different. As I looked back and reflected, I’ve discovered that you have a major attitude problem.
Those words you said yesterday. They rang a bell, reminding me of that exact scenario at the Wakeboard World Cup last year.
Yesterday, you implied that I don’t dress well, that I should be more ladylike, and wear frilly fresses and revealing clothes, because other girls are doing it too.
Mind you, I am not ‘other girls’.
I am me, Brenda Tan. I am an individual, and I resent being compared to a collective whole.
And no, I do not follow the norms. Like I said, I go my own way, I dress for myself and for my own comfort, not for others.
You muttered that I should be getting more ‘proper’ clothes. You grabbed my spectacles as I was trying on a pair sunglasses and mentioned that you wanted to throw them away because they’re so fugly. I felt like kicking you at that time.
You fired questions at me while we were at the bus stop about what I wear to the beach, what I wear on a hot day, and what do I wear for other occasions.
All those questions and all those actions. You are obviously trying to prove to me that I am apathetic to dressing well, don’t you?
I don’t need you to judge me. Neither do I need you to ‘tell me how to dress’. I am capable of doing that myself, and to my own tastes. Stop judging me by my appearance, you superficial idiot.
Get this clear.
Dressing well doesn’t entail mini skirts, girly clothes and frilly stuff. You’re obviously too close minded to realize that there is more to just those. And there is also more to life than judging other people based on how they dress.
Your girlfriend may like such frilliness. G might like them too. But that doesn’t mean that you can change me into ‘another girl who likes such frilliness’.
I am me. And I am happy being myself, and with the image I portray.
Stop treating me like a little girl who does not know how to take care of herself.
Nothing you say is going to shatter the confidence I have in myself now. I’ve found my own stability and so nothing you, or rather, anyone else says can shatter the image of myself I wish to portray and the character that I have.
You can jolly well get out of my life. Friends like you who judge, I can do without. I’d rather have friends who respect my decisions, and accept me for who I am.
You treat like me a piece of dirt and boss me around just because I happen to be someone who dresses differently from your perception of how a girl should dress. Since you can’t accept that, I’m kicking you out of my circle.
Ex-classmate, it has been nice knowing you.
Goodbye forever.
I have found my true self and I can only truly appreciate what I have found with the friends that accept me and do not judge me based on what they see. The friends who make no attempt to change me and those who actually cherish the moments spent with me are the worthy ones to keep.
Through you, I’ve found the meaning of true friendship. But it is for certain, not within you.
A passing person in your life,
Brenda Tan
EDITED @ 11.13p.m, 04th May
The person whom this entry is addressed to is actually a ‘him’, not a ’she’. (:
Almost every single day, I have to come face to face with people who are constantly attempting to change who I am. In terms of character, looks, and almost everything else that shapes the way I am.
Hence, I’m back here to grumble - on the topic of individuality.
Disclaimer
Read the title. “An ego-centric entry”, it says. Hence, the entry focuses on the issues regarding me and me alone - because girls needs to complain and boost their egos once in a while.
To real-life friends, some of the circumstances mentioned beneath may seem familiar.
For close friends and friends, it’s called ‘concern’. However, it’s called ‘nosy’ for passing people. And it is the latter that I’m addressing. Especially friends of friends or relatives or relatives who feel it is within their right to shape the way I am.
Otherwise, I still love one and all! Because all of you are excellent friends to me. Always been, always will! (:
Absolutely long entry beneath. You can choose to read the whole thing, skim through to pick out the parts that interest you, or simply ignore me altogether. After all, the main purpose of this entry is to simply jot down some of my thoughts in typing.
Character
I take pride in being a person with a highly rebellous nature, and someone who stands firm in what she believes in and what she wants for herself.
Hence, I am constantly being referred to as ’stubborn’.
But even the word ’stubborn’ in itself has two sides. A positive side and the negative side. Most people tend to make use of it in it’s negative connotation. I, on the other hand, looks at it from a positive side. To me, being stubborn enables me to protect my own interests, rather than having someone else step all over you by changing the way you are.
Therefore, I am stubborn when it comes to almost everything concerned with me and my nature. Even this entry itself might sound stubborn. Hence, anyone reading this entry might feel that it reeks of Brenda, Brenda and even more Brenda.
People are constantly trying to challenge and preach at me regarding the way I think, feel and view the world. They have a tendency to feel that I am naive, mainly because I am someone who wishes for the world to be a better place - by constantly trying to change things around her.
In fact, the word ‘naive’ has been flung at me so many times to an extent that it is now painless. I don’t think I’m naive. I just view myself as different - egoistic as this may sound.
Just sit back and accept it. This is reality. - They say.
In my opinion, this is the conformer’s point of view. Most people tend to not accept one part of my character, which is my tendency to not conform - to reality, or to society’s standards , or both.
This may be reality. But the main reason why reality is such because there are too many people with the mentality of sitting back and accepting it when something can be done about it. It - being any issue or scenario which is part of our daily lifes, regardless of global warming, cruel and harsh working environments or rude behaviour on the roads.
I do not accept reality for the way it is. Rather, I try to do something about it. Deep within, I believe that everyone has a role to play in shaping the way our reality is today - and that it is not something that is natural or inevitable.
Hence and foremost, several people might find me highly stuck up and immovable when trying to hold arguments regarding issues in real life with me - mainly because I am someone who isn’t easily swayed by words and stands firm in what I believe in.
And why am I using ‘how I view reality’ as an example of how people try to shape my character? It is because the character of most people usually revolves around how they view and react to the world around them.
My goals and aims
I’ve spoken about this before. Hence, I shall not re-echo my own words again.
External Appearance
Like how I shape my own personality and character, I shape my own appearance as well.
Not by how I want people to view me. But rather, for my own comfort.
I often shake my head in disbelief at how citizens of our rather materialistic society have a fondness of sticking their feet into ridiculously high heels just for the sake of looking good. Not only is it bad for the posture, it has the capability of deforming the feet as well.
Neither do I approve of people splurging hundreds and hundreds of dollars on shiny, glittering-diamond studded apparel just for the sake of wow-ing the people around them.
Rather, I pride myself in being practical in terms of dressing - with the word ‘comfort’ being the top priority on my list.
Parents and relatives whine about how I often dress in jeans and tee-shirts when heading out of the house. They whinge about it being too common and simple - and constantly point out more trendily-dress teenagers on the roads just to compare them as an analogy to me.
And these ‘trendily-dressed’ people are usually, if not, always those flanked in mini skirts, and utterly revealing clothing that I would never be caught dead in.
I, for one, take pride in the way I dress. And I dress respectably, by making sure that I am always adequately covered before I step out of the house.
Neatness is also another criteria, in addition to comfort. And nothing gives me more comfort than having my hair up in a ponytail and with spectacles, rather than having some strange foreign object in my eye and with my hair flying all over the place.
Of course, several people tell me that I look better should I do otherwise. The concern of good friends, which I appreciate, although good looks is not what I seek.
What irks me are those condescending comments.
Ditch those spectacles! They make you look like such a nerd. And it’s high time you looked more like a girl, don’t you think? Get rid of that ponytail lah!
My response to all that is no comment.
“The bespectacled, neat looking girl with the ponytail.”
This has been my image and always will be.
Yes, I sound mightily old-fashioned. However, I choose my tee-shirts and jeans very carefully. Hence and foremost, I pride myself in having the most colourful tee-shirt collection in the world.
I think I ought to stop being too sensitive.
I mean, it is just a harmless remark, ain’t it? Minor teasing among friends, musing with each other just to make the other party laugh. It happens oh-so often in everyday life, especially when with a large group of people.
So why do I feel myself getting annoyed when some of these ‘teasing’ rubs me the wrong way?
Somehow, I just have the tendency to dissect each and every sentence just to uncover the hidden meaning within. And sometimes, I tend to pick out negative vibes from a remark when the person had no ill intentions behind it at all.
Or, do they?
Oh shucks, there I go again. I really should stop thinking too much.
In addition to that, I should work with my relationships with some friends, especially those who I do not really know that well. Somehow, I always have lots of difficulty speaking to people whom I am not that close too, because the paranoia in me is always thinking about how the other person views me.
Okay, okay. I know I shouldn’t let the opinions of other people on me intimidate me. But somehow, I am someone who has a phobia of people who misjudge yours truly, especially based on what I say, both verbally, and on this journal.
And that’s why some of my conversations always go like this:
Friend A starts joking about something.
Brenda starts wondering whether she is supposed to joke back, or risk sounding like an insensitive idiot who laughs at others.
Friend B starts to aim teasing remarks at Brenda.
Brenda starts wondering whether she ought to laugh it off (to avoid seeming like someone with a weak sense of humour), or to mutter, curse and swear under her breath.
*Friend A and B represent people who Brenda doesn’t speak as much to.
Sometimes, I find that it is terribly hard to be yourself, especially when faced with people who you are not as close with, who tend to paint an image of your character based on their few encounters with you.
Someone who gets irked easily.
Someone who has difficulty speaking to ‘new’ people.
Do I sound like someone with low EQ to you?